Have You Got the Moves Like Jagger?

So, in the spirit of sexual equality, it’s time to have a go at Maroon 5 front-man-slash-guitar-playing-man-candy, Adam Levine. ‘But he’s so pretty!’ I hear you cry. Yes, yes he is. But so is Rihanna, and to be fair, I have to have a whinge about the sexualisation of men, as well as women.

Now, I’ll admit, I have a bit of a thing for this particular singer. Not because he’s particularly talented, and in spite of the fact that his whole image has been geared towards making young girls (and grown women, ahem) find him attractive. I shall have you know that I didn’t do the whole ‘boyband posters on the wall’ thing as a teenager…and clearly I am making up for it now.

So, how does the concept of Mr Levine work? Well, he’s part of a band who we never actually see (which is a shame as the bassist has some killer moves…but they’re not like Jagger’s so they don’t count) and in every video he is cavorting around having sex with some pretty lady. Or making some pretty lady want to have sex with him. Or singing sadly about how some pretty lady had sex with him and now she won’t anymore.

Somewhere around the moment when a Big Record Label PR dick decided that Maroon 5 had a pretty nice, easy-listening pop sound, was the moment they decided to make Adam Levine the focal point for every open-mouthed drooling woman. Because it’s not really his voice, it’s his voice singing certain lyrics. So, I’ll start off easy.

Take me by the tongue and I’ll know you
Kiss me till you’re drunk and I’ll show you
I don’t need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I own you

Now, really, first thought is: You cocky sod.
Second thought is: Hmm.
Third thought: I should really be more upset about the concept of ownership. But you’re very pretty.
Fourth thought: Am bad feminist and human being.
Fifth Thought: ….Hmm.

He really is my very favourite famous boy-whore. Because that’s pretty much all he is. Sex sells, he represents sex, therefore his music is selling.

Sadly, I’ve always had a weakness for the cocky bastards of this world, and so my response is ‘oh, you can own me, can you? Oh, you’re that good? You’re really that good? Prove it.’

Please excuse me whilst I wander off into a daydream for a few minutes…

Okay, I’m back, with this wonderful image:

Wrestle with you in my dreams
And wake up making love to a pillow

Well, that is quite the visual indeed. Thanks for that, Adam.

And things like:

Sweet Kiwi, your juice is dripping down my chin.

Oh hey look, fruit! Imagery, metaphors! Surely, a poet!

I’m gonna stop with the quoting before I make myself feel any more nauseous.

I will say this in his defence. Whilst I think a lot of the lyrics are really suggestive, and on scale with Rihanna’s for the most part, I did take another listen to 50 Cent’s ‘Candy Shop’. There is pretty much no song on earth that rivals that for crudity (Not crudité, that’s different. You serve that with dip).

So, really, Maroon 5 are quite tame. And they manage to get past Ofcom with their lyrics, whereas Tinie Tempah has been bleeped out on numerous occasions for stupid things like ‘If I tell her I’m a boxer, will she let me down her knickers?’ where they removed the word ‘knickers’. Firstly, they’ve just ruined the whole point of boxer being a play on words, and they’ve turned a pretty innocent description of an undergarment into a bleeped out space so most people will think there was something ruder there in the first place. Censorship. Damn the man! Save the Empire!

I’ll also defend Levine in that he at least seems to have a sense of humour about these things. There’s a mostly-naked photo of him plastered over cyberspace with a very manicured lady’s hand protecting his (what I’m assuming is rather minimal)…modesty. (Ah, lightbulb moment! The guy who keeps singing about how great he is in bed is making up for something! Bazinga!)

Also, in one of their later singles ‘Misery’ the entire video is about him being chucked around by a woman and looking like a bit of a dork the entire time. Which, sadly, only works to make him adorable. And make me slightly worried about how domestic violence suddenly becomes an apparently funny music video.

The point is, music industry, I do NOT like being pandered to.  Pandering insults your audience, is ineffective, juvenile and…who am I kidding? It freaking worked. And if there’s anything worse than having a crush on a mirage of a person created by the media to sell things, it’s KNOWING that this has happened, and it having absolutely no bearing.

So, thanks to Maroon 5, Adam Levine and Universal Music, I am a media whore. Cheers for that, as if I didn’t have enough to deal with, like the fact that I’m 23 years old, working in a coffee shop and watching repeat versions of Dawson’s Creek in my spare time. Thanks. No, really.

5 thoughts on “Have You Got the Moves Like Jagger?

  1. Oh god, his voice is so annoying! And I watch Glee, I hear a lot of autotuned Lea Michele…I ought to be immune to annoying voices at this point.

    He kind of reminds me of Brandon Boyd-lite, with the cockiness and the insistence on removing his top. But much, much worse.

    I like the bits of that Jagger song when Christina Aguilera was singing though. I miss her!

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